Look for the Helpers
“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’” ― Fred Rogers
This article is really an ode to every single woman who reached out to me when my husband had his aortic dissection. This is an ode to everyone who wanted to do more and felt helpless as they texted me yet again just to tell me they were praying for me. And this is me gathering thoughts and observations before they disappear, so we can add to our community knowledge. What this is not is in any way comprehensive. The great delight of being in a community, or one of them, is getting to share our different and unique experiences to aid our community growth. Hearing multiple perspectives on how to tend in trauma, acute and chronic, builds our abilities and our response time. It helps us be equipped with something, even if we find out we need more equipment or different equipment. So let’s talk about helping and helpers.
One of the things about traumatic events is that we don’t know what we don’t know. We don’t know until afterwards that we should have asked for help in this area or that area. We don’t know until afterwards that a grocery run would have been more helpful than a meal. We don’t know until afterwards that we should have designated an emcee to get information out and coordinate the helpers helping the helpers help the helper. We don’t know that every text becomes a lifeline back to normalcy. We don’t know, we don’t know, we don’t know. We often don’t even know what we’ll want. Here are some things I noticed that would have been helpful if I had known them at the time, along with encouragements divided into Maid, Matron, and Crone.
Maids:
Young ladies, still living at home: You have no idea how much it means to a hurting person to get art. Hospital rooms are cold, unfeeling, unbeautiful places. Some have stipulations about flowers and such. A drawing, painting, coloring, or anything like that can give someone frightened and bored out of their minds something beautiful to look at. Don’t be afraid to be funny. Laughter is good. This is also a great time for you to use your cooking skills. Cookies, energy bars, muffins, and other goodies are a great way to help someone. Yes, you need to know dietary limitations, but even as someone who doesn’t eat sugar or many carbs, a cookie from home might keep me from craving candy just as a stress/boredom relief. It can also bless the helpers of the helper.
Single ladies: you are in a catch-22, because on one level, you are often the hands and feet. You generally have fewer family obligations, and no bedtimes and bathtimes. But you probably also have to work a 9-5, which gives you less flexibility. You can shine by helping in the evening when matrons often need to be in their own homes. You can shine by helping with pets, running errands, and even sending evening text messages. Even with a job, you will have fewer demands on your life than those with husbands and children. Jump in, offer to help, get in the mix. You are needed and wanted.
Matrons:
Mothers of young children or many children: You are filled with the great desire to help. You want to be there for those who are hurting. You want to be there for your friends. But you can’t. You have little ones who need you. Don’t despair. You have so much you can do. First and foremost, you can pray. That is a blessing beyond words. Second, you can send text messages: silly things, gifs, expressions of care and love. Times of personal trauma don’t often have a huge list of things for people to do. Only so many helpers are needed when someone is sitting in the hospital, but encouragement and reminders of people being missed are always needed. Don’t forget that art from your children can also be a huge blessing to both the injured and the helper. Don’t forget that even once everyone is home, they may still be far from safe and sound. Keep reaching out. Remember that your obligation is to your young children first. The time will come when you can help more tangibly. All of this also applies to those with chronic health issues. Don’t take on false guilt because all you can do is pray, text, or write a little note.
Established matrons: These emergency trauma situations are where you shine. You have flexibility, possibly an army of teenagers to help you, and you have experience. You can help with meals, be part of the flow of information, run errands, tidy the home before the return home, do the dishes, water plants, clean up trauma, take care of pets, and coordinate help. This is often a place where those of us in the inner circle of friendship can step in without even asking. Dropping off groceries into an empty house can include unbagging them, putting things in the fridge, and, if you have time, running your eye over the kitchen and main areas of the house to see if anything can be quickly tidied. Pet care can include picking up the mail, taking out the trash, taking the trash to the curb, washing yesterday’s mug, and doing a quick sweep of the floors. Even leaving a quick note where the helper of the traumatized can find it brings a smile at the end of a weary day.
Crones:
Available: You, much like the established matron and the single ladies, are the backbone of helping the helpers help the traumatized. You will often be the one asked to run errands, to help process, to answer questions because you’re safe, and possibly to sit at the bedside of suffering people. If the traumatic event included your children, you may be one of the few people outside the immediate family that they want around. You may be more intimately involved with the direct care of either the injured or the helper of the injured. Your willing hands, cheerful attitude, and mothering are an absolute blessing, a salve to everyone around you. Make sure you clearly communicate so you aren’t overtaxed. If you’re not that closely connected to the injured and helpers, you are still on the front line of availability. Reach out with offered errands, treats, solid uplifting.
Unavailable: You may have your own health issues to manage or aging parents or a spouse with health issues; either way, you have as much on your plate as you can handle. Return to the section for mothers with young children. Prayers and texts, cards, flowers, whatever little thing you can do will brighten the day of both the hurt and the helper. Speak truth. You’ve been in the trenches or even are in the trenches. Sharing your knowledge is a great use of your experience. We need you.
Obviously, there is much overlap here, and no hard and fast rules. The main point I want to make is that there will be times when you can’t help. I’ve struggled with this as someone with chronic health issues. I often can’t do much of the hands-on helping. What I learned as the helper needing help is that every text and every prayer was my sustenance. Every silly thing sent to me that made me smile or even laugh outright was a support. I had a friend who even sent me a theological/intellectual challenge that served as a distraction while we waited and waited in the hospital room. I appreciated all the texts I got that asked me not to worry about responding. Marco Polos let me see familiar faces that I missed as my routine got upended. People have kept asking to help, which has made me start letting them help, even if it is simply to return things that didn’t work or to add something to their grocery list. What a help that has been. I have appreciated everyone respecting our boundaries and willingly dropping and running, or not coming in. I’ve appreciated detailed texts expressing their own boundaries—I could do this; would it be helpful? All this has blessed me so much.
The true beauty of community, church membership, family, and being homemakers is pulling together in times of celebration and times of need. This takes practice, communication, and a clear sense of our own abilities. Thank you to everyone who came alongside me this year, who lifted me up, who became my hands and feet, and who simply sent a text and offered up a prayer. All of you were such a help to this helper.
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Thank you for the wonderful editing, Sarah!
