“The force [Leonidas] chose reflected every demographic of the Spartan Warrior class. He selected those who would go based on the strength of the women in their lives. After such great loss, if the women faltered in their commitment, Sparta would falter and the rest of Greece would think it useless to stand against the Persian invaders. The democratic flame that started in Greece would be extinguished.
The Spartan women were strong. They did not falter. I would even argue that we live in a democracy that has freedom because of the strength, skill, and courage of those 300 men and the extraordinary will and dedication of the women in their lives.”

-Commadore Pete Van Hooser, from a speech delivered at a memorial service for the dead of SEAL Team Ten after Operation Red Wings, found in the book Seal of Honor by Gary Williams

Nothing pleases me more than when my love of homemaking and my love of military history weave together. I’ve been a fan of 300 since the movie[1] came out, but even more so after reading Gates of Fire by Steven Pressfield. The Spartans were an intense warrior culture. They held a high standard of strength and courage for their men and for their women. Their women were never sent to war, but were expected to raise sons for war and daughters for motherhood. The first thing I love about the above quote is that it proves the concept that “the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”[2] It is high time we return to this concept of motherhood: the work we pour into our children influences the world for generations to come. That should give every woman an infusion of both courage and terror. We are the ones who must not falter in our communication of the virtues and values of our faith and our culture. If we do, who knows what might be lost.

What this brought to mind as a homemaker is the idea of “sturdy”. Many hours of listening to Homemaker Chic got “sturdy” rattling around in my head. Am I sturdy? Can I do hard things? Would my husband be chosen to defend his country with his life because I was sturdy enough to raise up the next generation without him, to keep our culture alive without him? I’ll be honest, my first answer was nope. I have chronic health issues that would preclude me from earning a living, and I have anxiety issues that I fight all the time, which would be in danger of overwhelming me without my husband’s guidance. This doesn’t even touch on the fact that we’ve been together for 23 years, and I don’t really know what life looks like without him.

Side Note: this is not a bid for feministic independence. We are better with our husbands, fathers, brothers, sons, uncles, and grandfathers. Women are much better when we have men in our lives. They balance us just as we balance them. I’m not talking about that kind of radical, “I can do anything a man can but better” idea. I’m talking about really hard things in life where our men have to go out from us or away from us permanently. Thinking on this can prepare us for when they have to go away for a few hours.

Definition of sturdy: Of firm build; stiff; stout; strong; Solid in structure or person; Resolute; or firm, unyielding quality. Opposites: weak, brittle, delicate, flimsy, fragile.[3]

I may not feel mentally, emotionally, or physically sturdy enough to bear the weight of carrying on while my husband goes on a suicide mission, but I want to be. I want to be sturdy in my emotions, my body, and my reason. I want to be sturdy enough to pay bills, face conflict with grace, even tend my chickens. (I’ve thought about situations where women had to butcher a chicken every few days for dinner. Could I do that? Right now, no. Granted, my goal isn’t to have butchering-chickens, but I don’t think I’m sturdy enough to do it myself if I did. You don’t eat laying hens.) Am I sturdy enough to garden? Am I sturdy enough to engage in deeper conversations? Am I willing to do hard things, or am I always looking for the easiest way out?

My second answer was a rising up of aggression. “This is Sparta!” I had to laugh at myself because so often the 1950’s woman is held up as the feminine ideal, but for me it is the Spartan woman. I wanted to scream an Amazonian battle cry and glory in war. Okay, calm down. No, really, calm down before you spike a flare up. This aggression was a huge part of my life when we owned our boutiques back in the day. I carried around an aggressive, competitive, sharp edge of adrenaline all the time. I wasn’t mean or cold, but I felt an agitated surge all the time. I felt a heavy metal “anger” all the time, even when I wasn’t angry. I was intense, defiant, and ready to fight all the time. Queue the chronic health issues, because, shocking as this may seem, a woman isn’t supposed to live in a state of nervous tension all the time. But I was addicted to it and in the habit of it, and it took me years and years and years to get over that. (If I’m not super careful, I can slip right back into it without a thought.) I have had to force with all my might soft, slow going. Almost every day I have to mentally fight to stay soft and slow.

If I’m to be sturdy, I can’t be aggressive because the aggressiveness spikes my fatigue and then I’m anything but sturdy. How do I stay soft and also be sturdy at the same time?

Hobbits.

Hobbits. Oh, how deeply do I long to be a hobbit. To live close to the earth—rustic, but not trashy. To focus my life on ordinary little things, gardening, cooking, brewing. To live in a world of color and bare feet. And yet, when called upon to stand up, to have deep within me a core of strong stuff. In fact, I would argue that living close to the earth is why they have this sturdiness. You can’t garden and stay flimsy. You can’t cook and brew for hungry families if you’re weak. Look at Farmer Maggot’s wife! She’s only in a paragraph or two, but she is so sturdy, warm, and welcoming. (Also, can you imagine the joy of living in a culture where beauty isn’t being thin, but round?)

So I turn my gaze from my beloved Sparta without letting it go, I keep it close, but I turn to my even greater love, the Shire. If I want to be the kind of woman whose husband can trust her to steadfastly raise his children with the faith and family values they’ve agreed on and to prudently manage their household, I look to the example of the hobbits. The aggression in my soul eases off and I feel sturdy because I feel soft and calm, ready to nourish and nurture those around me.

How do we work on this? How do we practice? We don’t just wake up perfectly soft and slow, perfectly hobbitish, wisely sturdy. We have to practice.

Guard and Garden: We start by putting up strong walls (Shield Walls![4]) and planting beautiful gardens behind them in our hearts and minds. This means guarding what we let in and what we plant. One of the ways this has manifested in my life is imbibing fewer and fewer modern stories. I’m sturdier when I read classics and when I watch older movies and shows. This isn’t necessarily watching black and white movies, but often it’s things before 2010. Also, avoiding most sitcoms and social media. They’re often unhealthy, especially if you’re bingeing them. (Try it. You will be amazed at how much freer your soul feels when you step away from these things and start to work out your mind.) Reading classics takes work. It’s slow going. You have to train. You may not just be able to read the Space Trilogy or David Copperfield. You have to exercise your mind. But then one day you pick up a John Steinbeck novel and find rich nourishment and women who inspire you to stay at the work.

Read ladies. Make a space for it even if it is five minutes when you get up with your coffee or five minutes when you finish the day with tea or a glass of wine. Enforce a time of Sustained Silent Reading in your school day and actually read alongside your kids. I know this is a bit of an unpopular opinion, but audiobooks don’t always count. There are things that it is better to read. (They have a place yes! I started out listening to Dickens long before I started reading him.) There are things you will miss by listening to some books. Having the book in hand and even taking notes generally makes it more profitable.

Get outside. GET. OUTSIDE. Open windows. Take walks. Lay in the sun. This is good for our health. Nothing fights bugs better than sunshine. This is good for our souls. Get out early enough to see the spiderwebs and get out late enough to see the fireflies. Become familiar with the rhythms of nature around you. You will feel so much better! Your life can be monetarily poor, but if you get outside you will feel constantly rich.

Maid, Matron, Crone: As we work on our inner life, we also work in our communities. We plug in and include. Talk with the women in your life who have been there and done that. Find out what they wish they’d done, what they’ve endured, and what they still want to do. Gather younger women around you and pour love and interest into their lives. Having a robust community of women from all walks of life helps us be sturdier. We can learn from them and encourage them in turn. Find people willing to speak truth to you even if it hurts. Be willing to accept a swift kick in the seat of the pants without cancelling the friendship.

What is all this but Merry Durability and Cheering Strength? Isn’t that being sturdy? Isn’t that doing hard things with a smile on our face? Isn’t that being the round, worn, safe place for our people? Being a woman, wife, mother, homemaker requires more grit than our aprons, ruffles, and nurturing of little things imply. This grit takes time to grow, but I want to grow it. I want to be sturdy so I can be a helper. I know that I’m dependent on my husband, family, friends, and church, but I want to be as sturdy in that dependence as I possibly can, so that when war comes, my man can answer the call. But also, so that when plants die, drought comes, chickens get sick, a friend needs a meal, or my own health declines, I can carry on happily. I want this for me, and I want it for all of you in your homes. Let’s practice and let’s help each other!

[1] This isn’t a blanket recommendation. The movie has quite a bit of adult content and is obviously violent.

[2] https://allpoetry.com/The-Hand-that-rocks-the-Cradle-Is-The-Hand-That-Rules-The-World

[3] OneLook Thesaurus.

[4] Sorry, this is a Viking reference, and I like Vikings as much as I like Spartans, maybe more.

Soft and Sturdy

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